My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it