Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.