@mikealfredcaine: my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "jeff is dead" so they know what the flowers are for
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@omically: a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
@jwoodham: BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
@KylePlantEmoji: Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary Employee: sir, this is a haunted house Me: m'bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary