@mikealfredcaine: my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "jeff is dead" so they know what the flowers are for
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@astutenewf: YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH'S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.
@bromanconsul: GIRL NEARBY: I'm breaking up with you, Kevin. You don't talk about Pokemon enough. [I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
@Bottle_of_Death: *Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?