As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase