My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite