@imteddybless: my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like "im here lol. from baby"
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@Book_Krazy: New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT
@Playing_Dad: As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*