@imteddybless: my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like "im here lol. from baby"
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@david8hughes: [painting a picture of the last supper] "Who's that?" "Darth Vader." "Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?" "I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie."
@thegayfarmerguy: The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.