my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I have never related to a cat more
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters