@imteddybless: my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like "im here lol. from baby"
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@FreddyAmazin: 3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.
@therealeatwood: ADMIRAL: We must surround and board the enemy’s ship CHIEF PETTY OFFICER: And then we can walk right past them like they’re not even there
@DaddyJew: Cop: license and registration Me: that won't be necessary officer *places a glazed donut in his pocket
@MooseAllain: Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.