@BrandonBrown522: My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year's 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year's chili cook off.
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@SteveCarell: Flight attendant:"Would you like the chicken or the pasta?" Me:"What would you suggest?" Flight Attendant:"Eat before you get on the plane."
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
@TotallyAllen: HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."