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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.