@HysteriaBarbie: My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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@QwertyJones3: Marathon runner: I think we're lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way? Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We’re out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*
@SNStone: Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
@Fred_Delicious: [On date] Her - "so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?" Me - "Jurassic Park theme"