My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
whatcha thinkin bout
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
#parenting
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
This could’ve been an email.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.