My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.