I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.