@DanMentos: My coworker used to joke "I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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@patnspankme: I haven't been this confused about what's going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
@WilliamRodgers: I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours... I always said I'd retire from comedy if I hadn't "made it" by 30. ...So I've got like 4 hours left
@samuelhlowe: -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.