Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me