My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
@ candidates for local office
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.