My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me trying to look natural in photos
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Morning.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?