My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.