My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
this is the greatest thing ever
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar