My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*