My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Just parrot things
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
me when the borders lift
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.