My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me irl
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot