Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”