@TEXASVETERAN: My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
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@sofarrsogud: WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.
@liv_thatsme: If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I'm annoyed
@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding? ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT