@TEXASVETERAN: My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
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@dafloydsta: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat. [camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
@WilliamRodgers: I'm not sure which is worse: People who force their religion on you... Or Anyone who's ever said "Oh it's because I'm a Virgo."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
@CornOnTheGoblin: Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?