I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
LOL!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!