“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
don’t we all
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…