“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
2022 be like
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.