My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.