My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
You Might Also Like
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!