My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
good work, everybody
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa