My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral