*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids