My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
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*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…