My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”