My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.