@bugbucket: my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I'M complaining that he's a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon
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@Cheeseboy22: Sometimes I'll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I'm doing, I'll say, "Pretend stoplight."
@Playing_Dad: Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles! Me: Which ones? Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble
@FattMernandez: Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
@WritePlay: *dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger