@bugbucket: my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I'M complaining that he's a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon
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@Ms_Moneypenny_: Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason.
@dsmitty62: Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
@ElliotHetherton: [family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back] Father snake: oh no not this again Baby snake: *starts crying*