NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend