After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling