My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training