My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
You Might Also Like
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”