@AndyAsAdjective: my dance moves can best be described as "did that dude just try to leap frog?" & "whoa that's a lot of blood" & "is he still alive?"
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@thenatewolf: *holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again.
@the_tsai_guy: People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.
@realHamOnWry: Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us that it's okay to eat before going to bed.
@InternetHippo: [i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"