my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
You Might Also Like
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.