My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.