My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Feel. He’s so soft.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
the noise i just made
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.