[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Anime is real
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.