My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
dictator is short for richard potato
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
he was correct
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.