@Sassafrantz: My date said he wasn't looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.
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@RealLucasNeff: [The Bachelor] Some of you will be getting roses tonight... [bee in the back] AW HELL YEAH
@Home_Halfway: FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don? [I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
@alienated: PSA for librarians: occasionally check how the World Book encyclopedia is arranged on your shelves