@Sassafrantz: My date said he wasn't looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.
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@lisaandtots: Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?! 900 of you don't read my shit.
@LousyBastard: I'm sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn't notice.
@hilaryfairie: I saw a billboard that said, "Be her Romeo" and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶