My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
You Might Also Like
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
With children it鈥檚 important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I鈥檓 proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor鈥檚 yard.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 馃檪
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Seek kebab; not attention
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she鈥檚 really good.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we鈥檝e never met who has a disease we鈥檝e never heard of
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!