@L_W_Headphones: My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys - Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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@DaddyJew: You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout "police emergency" and run away
@BeardedSteel: Cat: Lame. Just lame. Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know. Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home. Me: ...ok
@FatherWithTwins: Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
@XplodingUnicorn: 1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That’s how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.