My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Friday
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.