My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses