Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
They’re really bad with fonts.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.