Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho