[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay