my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
For cardio I live beyond my means.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no