@stuckinaportal: my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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@MarfSalvador: paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa] me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
@Jenn_H_Scott: I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
@internetluke: A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
@MunkMania: If someone says they'd "Like a word with you," I can guarantee it's way more than one word and you're not going to like any of them.