My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?