Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
You Might Also Like
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Passwords are more important than ever.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.