Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
lmfao
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
who will stop them
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to