Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
jesus christ confetti not now
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
when mom throws a party…
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one